A Guide for Talking with Aging Parents About Their Wishes
Talking with aging parents about future plans is not always easy. Topics such as healthcare, finances, living arrangements, and long-term care can feel uncomfortable, which is why many families delay these conversations. Having them early, however, can reduce confusion, stress, and conflict later.
At Commonwealth Life and Legacy Counsel, husband-and-wife attorneys Michael Winget-Hernandez and Lelia Winget-Hernandez help Central Virginia families plan for changing health, financial, and family circumstances.
This guide explains how to begin the conversation, which questions may be helpful, and how to listen in a way that respects your parents’ wishes.
Why These Conversations Are Important
Open conversations give your parents an opportunity to explain what matters to them while they are able to make and communicate their own decisions. They also give the family time to put appropriate documents and arrangements in place.
Starting the discussion may provide:
- Greater clarity about medical decisions, living arrangements, and who should help when needed.
- Less uncertainty for siblings and other relatives during an emergency.
- More time to organize finances, insurance, and possible care arrangements.
- An opportunity to review estate-planning documents before health or capacity changes.
Virginia law provides default rules when someone dies without an effective will or becomes unable to make decisions without appropriate planning documents. Those default rules may not reflect the family’s expectations or the individual’s wishes.
Key Topics to Discuss With Aging Parents
You do not need to cover every subject in one conversation. Beginning with one issue and returning to the discussion over time may make the process more manageable.
Health and Long-Term Care
Start by asking how your parents feel about their current health, medical care, and future support. Topics may include:
- Preferred doctors and healthcare systems
- Prescription medications
- Recent falls, hospital stays, or changes in mobility
- Help that may be needed at home
- Assisted living or continuing-care communities
- Skilled nursing care
- Hospice and palliative care
- Preferred location for receiving care
If your parents have long-term care or health insurance, ask where the policies are kept and whom to contact with questions.
Advance Medical Directives
Virginia’s Health Care Decisions Act allows an adult who is capable of making an informed decision to create an advance medical directive. An advance directive may include healthcare instructions and may appoint an agent to make healthcare decisions if the person later becomes incapable of making an informed decision. Va. Code §§ 54.1-2981 through 54.1-2993.
A written Virginia advance directive generally must be signed in the presence of two witnesses. Va. Code § 54.1-2983.
Questions to discuss may include:
- Who should speak for your parents if they cannot communicate?
- Are there treatments they would or would not want?
- How do they feel about life-prolonging procedures?
- Are organ donation or anatomical gifts important to them?
- Where will the signed directive be kept?
- Which family members and healthcare providers should receive copies?
The document should remain accessible. A directive that cannot be located during an emergency may not provide the practical guidance the family expected.
Financial Matters
Ask whether bills, bank accounts, investments, debts, insurance policies, and tax records are organized. The first conversation does not need to cover every financial detail. The immediate goal may simply be to identify where information is kept and whom to contact.
A basic financial record may identify:
- Bank and investment accounts
- Regular income
- Automatic payments
- Mortgages and other debts
- Insurance policies
- Safe-deposit boxes
- Tax advisers and financial professionals
- Digital accounts and important passwords
- Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, or veterans’ benefits
Durable Powers of Attorney
A durable power of attorney can authorize an agent to manage financial or legal matters for a parent. Under Virginia law, “durable” means the authority is not terminated by the principal’s incapacity. Va. Code § 64.2-1600.
An agent who accepts the appointment must act according to the principal’s reasonable expectations when known and otherwise in the principal’s best interest. The agent must also act in good faith and remain within the authority granted by the document. Va. Code § 64.2-1612.
Consider discussing:
- Whom your parents trust to act as agent
- Whether an alternate agent should be named
- Where the original document will be kept
- Whether financial institutions have specific requirements
- Which family members should know that the document exists
A power of attorney should be prepared before incapacity. Once a person lacks the required capacity, it may be too late to create or revise the document.
Legal Planning and Estate Documents
Ask whether your parents have current wills, trusts, powers of attorney, and advance medical directives. Confirm where the signed originals are stored and whether the named decision-makers are still appropriate.
Other issues may include:
- How real estate is titled
- Beneficiaries named on life insurance and retirement accounts
- Payable-on-death and transfer-on-death designations
- Business ownership
- Gifts to children, stepchildren, relatives, or charities
- Plans for personal belongings
- Funeral or burial instructions
When someone dies without an effective will, Virginia’s intestacy rules determine who receives probate property. Those rules appear in Va. Code §§ 64.2-200 through 64.2-206 and may produce a different result from what the person intended, particularly in a blended family.
Core Estate-Planning Documents and Why They Matter
The following table summarizes several documents that commonly arise in these conversations. The appropriate documents depend on each person’s family, property, health, and goals.
| Document | Purpose | Virginia Consideration | Where to Keep It | Who Should Know |
| Will | Directs the disposition of probate property, names an executor, and may nominate guardians for minor children | Without an effective will, Virginia’s intestacy rules under Va. Code §§ 64.2-200 through 64.2-206 govern probate property | Keep the signed original in a secure but accessible location | Executor and a trusted backup |
| Revocable trust | Holds properly transferred assets and may provide management during incapacity | The trust must be funded with the intended assets to control them | Trust records and secure digital copies | Trustee and successor trustee |
| Durable power of attorney | Authorizes an agent to handle financial or legal matters | Governed by the Virginia Uniform Power of Attorney Act, Va. Code §§ 64.2-1600 through 64.2-1642 | Keep the original secure and an accessible copy available to the agent | Agent and alternate agent |
| Advance medical directive | States healthcare instructions and may appoint a healthcare agent | Governed by the Health Care Decisions Act, Va. Code §§ 54.1-2981 through 54.1-2993 | Provide copies to healthcare providers and the named agent | Agent, physicians, and appropriate family members |
| Living-will provisions | Explain preferences about healthcare when the person cannot make an informed decision | May be included in a Virginia advance medical directive | Include with medical and estate-planning records | Healthcare agent and physicians |
Beneficiary designations on retirement accounts, life insurance policies, and similar assets should also be reviewed. These assets often pass according to the beneficiary form rather than the will.
Living Arrangements
Ask whether the current home continues to feel safe and manageable. Changes in mobility, vision, hearing, or memory can make familiar features more difficult over time.
Possible subjects include:
- Stairs and entryways
- Bathroom safety
- Lighting
- Grab bars and railings
- Medication management
- Home maintenance
- Emergency-response systems
- Transportation
- Access to family and healthcare providers
If a move may eventually be helpful, discuss location, cost, available support, and the importance of maintaining independence.
Options may include care at home, assisted living, a continuing-care retirement community, skilled nursing care, or living near family. The appropriate choice depends on health needs, finances, personal preferences, and available support.
Final Wishes
Funeral, burial, cremation, memorial, and religious preferences can be difficult to discuss, but written guidance may reduce uncertainty for the family.
Questions may include:
- Burial or cremation preferences
- Preferred funeral home
- Religious or cultural traditions
- Military honors
- Music or readings
- Organ or tissue donation
- How arrangements will be paid for
- Who should be notified
Prearrangements should be reviewed carefully, including the services covered, refund terms, transferability, and how funds are held.
Daily Life and Independence
Changes in daily tasks may indicate that additional support is needed. Healthcare and care-planning professionals often distinguish between activities of daily living and instrumental activities of daily living.
Activities of daily living may include:
- Bathing
- Dressing
- Eating
- Toileting
- Transferring
- Continence
Instrumental activities of daily living may include:
- Preparing meals
- Shopping
- Cleaning and laundry
- Managing medications
- Handling finances
- Using transportation
- Communicating by phone or other devices
The purpose of discussing these activities is not to remove independence. It is to identify support that may allow a parent to remain safe and involved in decisions for as long as possible.
Driving may also require a separate conversation. Consider changes in vision, reaction time, confidence, navigation, or comfort driving at night. Transportation alternatives may include family assistance, community programs, taxis, or rideshare services.
Tips for Productive and Respectful Conversations
These discussions are more productive when parents remain at the center of the decision-making process.
Choose the Right Time
Select a calm time without an immediate crisis or tight schedule. One focused conversation is often more useful than attempting to resolve every issue at once.
A simple first discussion might cover:
- Who should make medical decisions?
- Where are important documents stored?
- Whom should the family contact in an emergency?
- Is there one immediate planning issue that needs attention?
Ask Before Advising
Begin with questions about what your parents want rather than presenting a completed plan for them.
Useful questions may include:
- “What matters most to you if you need more help at home?”
- “How would you like medical decisions handled if you cannot speak for yourself?”
- “Who do you trust to help with finances?”
- “Where would you prefer to receive care?”
- “Are there family concerns you want your documents to address?”
Listen carefully and allow time for answers. Your parents may need several conversations before they are ready to make decisions.
Respect Boundaries
Some parents may not be ready to discuss finances, health, or end-of-life care. Pressuring them may make future conversations more difficult.
A smaller first step may be enough, such as:
- Listing physicians and medications
- Locating insurance cards
- Identifying the estate-planning attorney
- Confirming where documents are kept
- Choosing a date for another conversation
Keep a Record of Decisions
After the conversation, record what was discussed, which decisions were made, and which tasks remain open.
With your parents’ permission, appropriate information may be shared with siblings, agents, trustees, healthcare providers, or financial professionals. Sensitive financial or medical information should not be distributed more broadly than necessary.
Revisit the Plan
Health, finances, family relationships, and care preferences can change. Review the plan periodically and after major events such as:
- A new diagnosis
- A hospitalization or fall
- The death or incapacity of a named agent
- A move
- A marriage or divorce
- A significant financial change
- A change in long-term care needs
Supporting Your Parents’ Decisions
Talking with aging parents about healthcare, finances, living arrangements, and estate planning can be emotional. Beginning early gives them more time to express their wishes and allows the family to address documents and practical arrangements before a crisis.
At Commonwealth Life and Legacy Counsel, we help Central Virginia families understand estate planning, elder law, powers of attorney, trusts, and long-term care planning. Our role is to help families consider their options while keeping the parent’s wishes and decision-making authority at the center of the process.
Call our Zions Crossroad office at 434-589-2958 or our Powhatan office at 804-598-1348, email info@winget-hernandez.com, or reach out through our contact page.
Disclaimer: This article is educational only and is not legal advice. Reading it does not create an attorney-client relationship.